I’ve been wondering lately if it’s ever acceptable to walk away from a job. If you’d asked me that a year ago, I would have responded with some speech about dedication to a show and commitment to a company. Which is easy to say when things are going well, but what about when they go seriously wrong?
I’ve been extremely lucky in my first 12 months to have been able to find fairly steady work doing something I studied and love. Even during the odd bad contract, the positives have always greatly outweighed the negatives.
I found myself recently gaining employment via word of mouth from a fellow SM. The company had a great reputation creating promenade-style site-specific theatre on a large scale, doing some really different things that I knew would challenge and inspire me, as well as push me in a new direction. It should have been the perfect job. The cast were delightful to work with, exremely professional, appreciative, but also great fun. The Production Manager who had employed me was working elsewhere, and his wife ran the show. The only other members of the technical or production team were a designer, costume maker, lighting designer & sound designer.
I was expected to be in rehearsals when possible whilst also building the sets (all outdoors, in the middle of a forest), and making and sourcing props – there were no ASMs, no set-builders, no crew. We’re used to mucking in though, as Stage Managers! I rather like working in small teams, as long as there is a supportive framework in place (even when it’s a support team of just one person supervising).
At the peak of three weeks of pre-production & rehearsals, I had been working on average 14 hour days; one memorable week I clocked up 90 hours. It’s hardly surprising that I ended up in hospital for three days halfway through this. Unsurprisingly, considering the hours we put in, the resulting show was well put-together, smooth running and a great success with audiences. Despite being exhausted, I could have bared it, as we all trusted one another. Which is exactly when my relationship with the acting PM fell apart. I don’t pretend to be a saint, but I always strive to remain neautral, enthusiastic, calm and professional at all times in this job, even when being shouted at by a PM, in front of the cast, for prolonged periods of time. Which happened, regularly. I went so far to try to please the PM, that even after apologising for someone else breaking a prop, or losing a battery pack, I would still go back to my digs wondering what else I could do to please her. I was accused of being lazy and not being dedicated to the show, which is when I had had enough. A polite request by myself to meet off-site to discuss our differences for the sake of the last week of performances resulted in a shockingly abusive and slanderous email. I had had enough. I wasn’t on a contract – the whole thing operated on trust – and I had nothing to gain by continuing in this environment.
I had lost all sense of self-worth, and was questioning my own abilities so much it was, ironically, starting to affect my abilities to perform well! As a result of the constant negativity I was emotionally drained, filled with self-doubt, in ill-health, and physically shaking when she phoned in my “off-time” (midnight, in one case). That night I packed my bags and handed in my notice.
I thought I had regained control by doing this. The saving grace has been gaining re-employment with another company, who are a wonderful group of performers and technicians, all of them appreciative and supportive, which bring out the best in me, which in turn makes me a better Stage Manager for them.
The terrible fact is that four months on, when left on my own for long periods of time, the whole event regularly comes back to me, and I am filled with self-doubt. I hope that by writing this down I can now, finally, put it behind me.
